by Ian Arkell
I don’t know much about Mary McKillop. The ferry that is, not the woman who’s about to become Australia’s first saint.
I have to be honest. I think this ferry blessing business is fraught with problems. And whilst George Pell, has a brilliant record of upholding the rights of gay people and fighting against the suppression of women in the church, I think he’s really putting himself and his boss at risk on this occasion.
See, with such a diverse and multicultural group of people using the ferries every day and all of them worshipping a variety of sky gods, elephants and other constructs, how do we know if George’s blessing is a Catholic only blessing or is it like a spiritual comprehensive insurance and available to all.
It needs to be. Otherwise the civil libertarians out there as well as those versed in discriminatory practices are going to score big time.
I suspect that he’s not looking at the bigger picture here. George, being George, is probably proposing a catholic only section on the port side, with the non-believers out of sight over to starboard. Although in the event of an accident who does one claim against? Sydney Ferries? Or the provider of the blessing, hereinafter known as the Catholic Church.
I think in the interest of ecumenical multiculturalism, we need to take a more strategic approach.
Yeah, keep the Catholics over to port and the Anglicans on the other side. Long as their part is donated and they can rent it out, they’ll be happy. Now the Jews will want to be up near the bridge so they can knock down some of the existing accommodation and build new quarters. That’s fair enough.
I’d reckon we should shove the Evangelicals down towards the back so they can sing and speak in tongues or whatever, without annoying the others. The Mormons can just sort of float round the place. Long as they can leave some literature round the joint they’ll be cool. And we’ll need space for their bikes as well I guess.
We can slip the Quakers someplace quiet. You won’t hear a peep out of them. Muslims. Gees, forgot about them. Anywhere I guess. Long as we keep them away from the bridge. They get all thingy when they see people’s homes being destroyed. Absolutely no sense of fun those people.
I’m not sure where gay Catholics stand in this situation. Legally, I suspect that if there was an accident and they’d mistakenly been travelling on the port side, thinking they were the same as the other Catholics, then they’d be pushing it up hill to get any sort of compensation. They’d certainly lose their no-claim bonus. As they should.
So even when the travelling arrangements are in place, we still have to worry about the café. Are we going to have to go kosher, halal or if we have any Seventh Day Adventists, vegetarian? Or could we still get a coffee and doughnut to go, just like the old days.
No George, I think you need to go back and talk with the boss about this. I really do.
I mean, Mary McKillop may in fact be the best thing since sliced bread. And I’m sure if I prayed hard enough she might intercede and show me how to programme this new car radio I got for Christmas. Which would definitely be a miracle.
But does she really understand discriminatory practices as they relate to ferry transport. I don’t think so.
© Ian Arkell 2010
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Alleluia, yes Ian, Mr Pell has such a kindly view of sub-groups such as women and gays. But, back to that ferry, it should have plenty of front doors for Jehovah’s Witnesses to knock on.
Brian
Oops! Forgot the JWs. But I’ve worked out an ingenious way to a) provide enough doors for them and b) save space at the same time.
The doors could be built on a circular frame not unlike a prayer wheel and spun round so you have a variety of doors. Brown doors, black doors, plain, ornate, whatever. Of course the doors would be fixed and wouldn’t open, but they’d be used to that anyway.
On the subject of prayer wheels, I forgot the Buddhists. I’ll probably live and live and live to regret that I guess.
We could put them somewhere quiet where they could reflect on stuff. Enjoy the sunshine, rain, storms, hot, cold, sound of seagulls, people talking, not talking.
Wouldn’t matter really, they wouldn’t get too stressed out anyway. We could call it the deja vu lounge.
Hope I didn’t forget anyone else.
Brilliant, Ian! Doors that will not open. And behind those locked doors you’ve also created a space for Mr Pell’s special friends, the Freemasons. So mote it be, eh?
Now, if you cater for Buddhists you must cater for Hindus. We’ll need (a) a nice lingam-yoni, (b) statues of Ganesa et al, and (c) a huge Jagganath Juggernaut to drag along the deck, or somewhere. That last one could present problems but the Roman Catholics could also use it for their statue of the BVM. And, er, like, the first one could also present problems if Presbyterians realise what it is.
Prithee, my good man, how will you cater for The Church of Scientology?
Damn but you test me Brian.
Just when I thought I had everything under control…
I have a vague recollection that a lingam-yoni is tied up with specifically male body parts. The parts that tend to make fools of themselves at times. Well, their owners at least. Or am I making a hormone related assumption?
Whilst I’m not sure about (b), I would like to know more about a ‘huge Jagganath Juggernaut’ before it was incorporated in the new design. And yes I have to be honest,it took me a minute or so before I worked out ‘BVM’.
George will bless you Brian. And, being the year of blessing dangerously, he may even mention you to his boss.
And from your comment regarding Presbyterians I gather my hormone related assumption might be close to the mark. At least we no longer have Methodists to accomodate. Otherwise we’d have to forbid sex during transit on the basis that it might lead to dancing. Or something like that.
Church of Scientology? That’s difficult. Maybe we could have an entertainment night each Friday for people who are on the way home after a few too many drinks. Sort of a stand up comedy hour. They’d fit right in.
I’ve just heard that Hillsong are going to launch a megaferry: seating for thousands, flashing lights, overhead projectors, rock groups, massed choirs, huge Tannoys, PowerPoint presentations, dancing in the aisles, prosperity for all who fill the buckets with their hard-earned. How will George deal with that?
Sounds like a wonderful ferry. I would suggest, though, that the deck seats be replaced with pews. As one would expect, each pew would face the backside of its neighbor where one can find a large selection of not only hymn books; but, also her books. For the gay participants, we could provide hymn/her books. Another option is to provide a Kindle reader (instead of the books) where one may select the music of the religion of preference. It would make a great scene if all of the passengers were to simultaneously sing the music of the religion of their choice. What a cacaphony!
In the spirit of Brian, I observe that you have left out the music of the Advaitans.
Polly want a Kwaker?
Colin
Why, bless you Colin! When the Pope does his stuff very soon, the other Mary McKillop will then become the patron saint of cacophony.
Is that OK with you, Ian?
Colin, I don’t quite understand the bit where you say,..’each pew would face the backside of its neighbour where one can find a latre selection of books’…
What an extraordinary place to store books.
Sorry, above, for ‘latre’ read ‘large’.
Computer error—not mine of course.
Why not? I suspect she’s going to become the patron of everything except the Parramatta Eels. A saint for all seasons sort of thing.
A few years ago I was visiting Lesbos and during one really hot day called into an old (well, there wouldn’t be a lot of new ones I suppose) monastry in the middle of the island. Now to be honest, I love visiting churches and monastries whenever I can. They always provide a respite from a lot of the madness out in the real world.
There was a museum were you could see a history of the area as well as details of day to day life during the heyday of the place. In one case there was a scrappy piece of leather which I was informed, was part of a sandal worn by Francis of Assisi (hope that spelling is correct). And in front of the case were several tourists kneeling, crossing themselves and praying. A sort of adoration of the thong I suppose.
There is of course a monastry town in Australia. New Norcia, north of Perth, in fact. The main highway cuts through their property, which during its zenith encompassed several thousand acres
The museum there is brilliant and makes you realise, apart from your religious convictions or lack thereof, that these guys were indeed mighty men. Definitely made of the right stuff. I think the Benedictines breed ‘em tough. Metaphorically speaking of course.
There is motel type accomodation or you can stay in one of the old monks cells if the fancy takes you. Ideally you need a couple of days to fully appreciate the place. It’s big. There is also an enormous hotel, where you can have a great meal and drink lots of holy water. Or red. Whichever you prefer. But I’d suggest you stay away during the middle of summer. It can get seriously hot.
Ian, yes, New Norcia is a fascinating place. I visited it about 40 years ago. An elderly monk showed me round the library and opened a few of the ancient tomes, including a very rare polyglot Bible (or New Testament). Mind you, I was a bit suspicious when he claimed that many of the paintings on the walls were done by old masters such as Raphael. If I recall aright, the interior of the church was painted/decorated in a very garish imitation Renaissance style. Cherubs (with suitably placed wisps of muslin) and saints (with holier-than-thou stares) galore. But at least it was nicer than churches I saw in Bavaria, where the skeletons of bishops (long since deceased) stared out from glass cabinets.
The Blessèd Mary McKillop as the patron saint of anything handy, when her time comes? Hmm, good idea. Cacophanies go well with epiphanies. But not the Parramatta Eels? They aren’t on my list of teams which play God’s game, cricket. Are they a synchronised harbour-swimming team?
John, smugglers carry items in the most amazing places.
Typical! Everybody catered for expect us poor bloody atheists!
Where do we sit – not too many of us – or at least not too many willing to be publicly counted. Come on Ian – we are still waiting in the wings. Close to the red preferably.
Oh, stop moaning, Mr Ogbourne! At least you’d know where to sit if there were seats provided. Have a care for us agnostics. We wouldn’t even know where to sit.
Tell yer wot, though: wouldn’t it be fun if the Leaping Nuns of Norwich came on board? I bet Ian hasn’t provided for them.
Please Brian, send me a real challenge.
Except for the Quakers, Agnostics would have to be the easiest to cater for.
Ideally someplace quiet, possibly near the Quakers, where they could also ruminate in silence.
But in lieu of pews we could have a fence upon which they could sit. While ruminating.
Might be best to keep them away from the port side though, in case there’s the odd Jesuit sneaking around. Knowing the Jesuits, they’d probably offer the poor Agnostics tea or coffee. Just to put more pressure on them for a decision.
I’m still thinking about the Nubile Nuns of Norwich, and the implications for other commuters, if in fact they do, ‘leap’.
And Nick, logically, I think it best to wait until everyone else is seated. If we go and grab a seat with a view or close to the loo, we might upset the others. Then we’d have discontent, Reform churches would spring up all over the place and if the Jews weren’t close to hand, they’d go after the godless atheists.
No, have to think this through. Have to go, just saw a Jewish guy heading upstairs with some building stuff. Might have a quick talk with him. He’d know how to deal with confrontation.
You don’t have to worry about the nubile, leaping nuns of Norwich; I hear that the Whirling Dervishes will be there to welcome them.
No, no, no, not nublile nuns. Leaping Nuns, last seen by courtesy of Pete and Dud. Even Nick will be take a vow when he sees this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV_A7YeOhfs
A challenge… [adopts thoughtful look, scratches nose]… I have it! You can have a go with the esoteric and occult types. Theosophists. Wiccans. Spiritualists. Be careful: remember they are always accompanied by Others.
No, I don’t think the Whirlers and the nuns would be a good combination, John. Not one bit.
Leaping might be seen as frivolous by the Catholics, certainly would be by the Presbyterians. And the Anglicans would certainly be offended by leaping nuns.
Suspect the Muslims wouldn’t be overjoyed as well.
Similarly I think the Whirlers might be too animated and noisy. Even for the evangelicals. And any of them cavorting on the sabbath would upset our friends on the bridge.
I just wish everyone could be seated so we can make arrangments for the Atheists. Not looking forward to organising them. As Dawkins suggested, it’s a bit like ‘herding cats’. You know, mind of their own and all.
Be in touch.
Ian, well then how about all those Obama worshippers? Won’t you give them any consideration?
Ah well John, I have to admit to having been a bit of a religious tart there. Thought he was truly the saviour. See what happens when you’re long on faith and short on evidence?
But with respect I think there were millions hoping to see some sort of breakthrough in the sorry state of world affairs. And let’s be honest, after Bush, Yosemite Sam would have been an improvement.
The US tends to confuse me no end. One day we have single figure IQ president n the Oval office, the next a gifted orator who seems to be intelligent and bursting with promise. I’ll wait and see. The public is notoriously fickle and looks for quick fixes.
So assuming that the jury is still out on Obama, where would we place him on our ship of fools?
Somewhere near the Anglicans I guess. At least to their left a bit. Though with a corridor through to the Evangelicals, as there’s a few of them on board.
Actually he gets on well with most people. Might be best to keep him away from the bridge though. Every time some President goes there to give some building advice there’s problems.
Seating wise I’d put him near the JWs. They’re used to knocking on closed doors as well, so they could compare notes. I’m not sure of his stance on abortion, gay marriage or the role of women in the church so I wouldn’t let him within a bulls roar of the catholics. Just in case.
No, slip him in with the Buddhists. They’re sort of acceptable to the electorate, both here and in the US. Nobody takes them seriously because they don’t rant and rave or build weapons or kill people on a regular basis. No he’ll be ok there.
But I’d keep him away from those dreaded atheists. Trouble is that while most of the other groups hate each other, they seem to hate the atheists even more. So there could be a problem there. And I don’t think the Buddhists would want to get involved in a punch up.
We might have to leave atheists out of the equation. Tell them we respect their right to be different and all that and understand what they’re saying, but suggest they take the train.
Anyway, don’t know if we want their sort on board do we? Stirring things up, asking difficult questions. And making a nuisance of themselves.
Hate troublemakers.
In late breaking news … an ancient ferry has collided with an uncharted rock (of ages?) and is feared lost with all hands. No survivors have been found. It is believed the vassal (er…sorry, that should read vessel) may have been grossly overloaded despite a reputation for being unseaworthy. Unconfirmed reports indicate that incessant conflict among the disparate passenger groupings may have contributed to the accident by distracting crew from their prescribed duties of care.