by Lytrice Adams
They come and go, marking the tides of time. One after another. Year after year. And we respond to them according to where we are in our lives – whether we are children or adults or older persons – I guess it all depends on how many birthdays are behind us, and how many we could look forward to. Yes, it all depends.
I’ve recently had a birthday. A big one. One that threw me into a deeply reflective frame of mind. It made me think of the passage of time, and its effect on my perspective on birthdays. When I was very young, they were mysterious events. You were born on that date. What did it mean being “born?” Of course, I was aware of new babies always coming into families, especially into mine, but somehow I was stumped when it came to my being born. I did enjoy the attention, though, and for a day, I felt quite important.
As I got older, birthdays brought with them the promise of the future. The horizon of my life was out there stretching far out into the distant unknown, filling me with an impatience to grow up and discover what the world was holding for me. Standing on top of a hill overlooking a sea stretching out into infinity, I used to wonder what it would be like to leave the dull familiarity of home behind me and enjoy romantic adventures, and engage in great learning opportunities. But the birthdays were coming so slowly. I had to wait. And live in my dreams.
When I did get away, I was so busy building a future, that there was little time to notice the appearance of birthdays or chart the course of my dreams. Other people’s birthdays sort of eclipsed my own. I had acquired a family. Now I would look forward to the different growth stages in my child – celebrating each event and anticipating the next one, and the next one. Time was passing for me, but it didn’t matter very much. Life beckoned with an urgency, and I threw myself into meeting its demands.
Looking back, I could see the years rolling by. Filled with the chaos of living – the comings, the goings, the gains and the losses; My birthdays seemed to melt into each other, an amorphous web which left its mark – a wrinkle here, a memory there, a moving on in time.
However, these last years, they seem to be chasing after me. And catching up too. Every time I turn around there’s another birthday around the corner, reminding me that I am using up my dwindling store at an ever-increasing rate. Soon there would be none left, and then, where would I be?
Come to think about it, these declining years do bring a brand of benefits. Seniors discounts. Of course, you have to be mobile enough to ride the city buses or go to the theatre to take advantage of them. But what with creaking joints and failing sight I’m in no mad rush to use them. Could be why they are offered in the first place!
Perhaps the greater benefit is my realization that the past and the future have melded into the present. So I am giving up counting birthdays. The years have blurred the lines of my horizon, allowing me to become more aware of what is happening around me. Moments and events are entities unto themselves. Filled with sunshine or rain, disappointments or elation, they have their own now energy, not contingent on yesterday or tomorrow. I don’t have to miss out on the music of today, anticipating the concert of tomorrow. I can make better use of my diminishing energy. I like that.
As I watch the snow blow past my window, I don’t feel a sense of loss not being able to go out for a social visit, or some shopping, or a breath of fresh air. I accept the vagaries of the weather without feeling that it is conspiring to keep me walled up inside. The moments are here in all their fullness. It’s up to me to recognize them. Not wait for tomorrow. My birthdays have taught me that.
© Lytrice Adams 2010
This entry was posted by Lytrice Hood on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 12:00 am and is filed under As I was Saying.
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