September 2010 Issue 102

Compiled by Kath Mounsey

A Thought For The Month: The best gift you can give to someone costs nothing. It takes only a moment to deliver it, but the memory of it can last a lifetime. It’s the one thing people can wear that never goes out of style, and one size fits everyone. It’s called a smile.

Of Course
One day a young man came up to my window at the bank and whispered,
“Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account.”
I handled the transaction and whispered back, “Have a good day.”
He started to leave but changed his mind. “I’m sorry we have to whisper,”
he said, “but if my car knows I’ve deposited money, it’ll break down again.”
With his finger to his lips he tip-toed out.

Too True
A woman brought a sausage home from the butcher’s. When she took off
the wrapping she saw that one end was meat and the other was bread crumbs.

She took it back to the butcher and complained. The butcher looked at the
sausage and said, “In today’s difficult times, its really hard to make both ends meat.”

Stay!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

“Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in Park?”

A Way to Save Your Marriage
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counsellor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”

Clever Genie
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job…a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife”.

Miracle Dog
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.  Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

New Book Titles
Some recently-published “new books” & their author….

“How to Write Large Books” by Warren Peace
“The Lion Attacked” by Claude Yarmoff
“The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow
“Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie O’Plasty
“Desert Crossing” by I. Rhoda Camel
“School Truancy” by Marcus Absent
“I Was a Cloakroom Attendant” by Mahatma Coate
“I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
“Mystery in the Barnyard” by Hu Flung Dung
“Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago
“Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud
“Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples
“Stop Arguing” by Xavier Breath
“Mountain Climbing” by Hugo First

The Visiting Englishman
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the visiting Englishman was a bit dismayed.

“Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered, “What is it now?”

Blonde Password
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Until next month, stay well and keep smiling.

Kath.

This entry was posted by kmounsey on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 12:00 am and is filed under More Funny Business. You can be notified of any comments on this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment in the box at the bottom of the post.

 Print This Post
After you click the print button, a new page will appear.
Click the link at the bottom right of the page to print it.