September 2010 Issue 102

by Heather Stone

I had been enjoying the home comforts of the Alfred Hospital, and had just been returned to my ward following something called a trans esophageal echo which sort of involved eating a long tasteless rubber hose. I was then meant to be sleepy, disorientated and without appetite. Instead I arrived back in my ward absolutely ravenous and heartily ate a very cold lunch. I was still starving when the trolley from the retail shop in the foyer arrived. They only had sweets or crisps so I bought myself a delicious packet of spicy, salty, forbidden Barbeque Crisps. I reached out my hand for my change. “Look out!” hissed my next bed neighbour as in walked the resident dieticians. I opened my fingers allowing the chips to fall unseen behind the bed and smiled in welcome.

The two women were both tiny of dimension, perfectly groomed and had the sort of metabolism that could steal all the hidden Easter eggs and not have it show! The two hours I spent with them whilst in hospital were nerve racking. I felt like the unfortunate fish caught on the end of a line. Yes, your diet is good, but….. Those are excellent foods except they contain……. That one is fine for your family, but not for you……. I’m afraid that food is particularly loaded with sodium….No! no! no! Much too sweet…. No, I’m sorry, but healthy fat is just as fattening as unhealthy fat….. calories, carbs, kilojoules, fat, salt, sugar, salt, fat, salt, fat – all those beautiful things that make life particularly bearable. I was ordered to lose 15 kilograms.

I love the tasty succulent “tails” from sweet tender lamb chops. I love the salty crunchy crackling off the roast pork. If my thieving family develop coronary conditions I shall wave the pork crackling right under their nose. Soy sauce? Salt. Ice-cream? Fat! Tomato sauce? Salt. Cream? Fat!!! Olive oil? Fat. Oy oy. By the time those ladies had done with me I was a snivelling, drivelling, huddled heap of abject misery.

Then, having broken me, they proceeded to build me up again. Smiles broke out on their previously deadpan faces. Scales and charts were necessary of course, but think of the extra energy, the trimmer figure, the sweet succulence of ripe peaches instead of pork, the sharp but beautiful taste of a little fresh honey drizzled onto low fat yoghurt, clear and tasty soups just loaded with herbs, garlic and onions… and so it went. These girls were excellent advertisements for their profession and had textbook figures. So do I really, but it’s a different textbook! By now I’d figured out that their tactics were a variant on the good cop, bad cop scenario. Probably a more standard textbook brainwashing techniques too, but they worked… sort of. One good turn deserves another, so I shared my chips with my neighbour.

Following that my daughters and I went on a diet which made for some very debatable culinary experiments. It saddens me to report that when their father was asked to join us, he just laughed uproariously. Several years later we are still experimenting which just goes to prove that a little dietician can go a long long way!

© Heather Stone 2010

This entry was posted by Heather Stone on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 12:00 am and is filed under Theme of the Month. You can be notified of any comments on this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment in the box at the bottom of the post.

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