compiled by Kath Mounsey
A Thought For The Month: I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!
New Policeman
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. “Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
The Young Preacher
A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you labouring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”
Children’s Flight
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little children on the plane.They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting andcomplaining about. Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
The New Invention
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport. The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the “bee nut.” It is a fastening attachment that allows players to adjust the heads on their clubs to any angle, saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt or get out of the sand trap.
Genius!
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players are partaking in golfing picnics, so they can try their new…”bee-nut putter sand wedge.”
Oops
A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pup for her birthday.
An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the centre of the kitchen floor.
“My pup,” she murmured proudly, “runneth over.”
Confusing
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one.”
God and the Scientist
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me,” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mould the soil.
“Oh no, no,” interrupts God. “Get your own dirt.”
Bilingual Barnyard
A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going “baa baa” to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a “moo mooooooooooooooooooo!” They look around and see only sheep. They carry on playing as before. “Moooooo mooooooooooo moo!” One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, and then asks, “Georgie, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go ‘baa’!” His friend replies, “I know. I just thought I would learn a foreign language!”
Patricia: My horse wanted to go one way and I wanted to go the other.
Riding Instructor: : What happened?
Patricia: He tossed me for it.
Until next month, take care, stay well and keep smiling.
Kath.
This entry was posted by kmounsey on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 12:00 am and is filed under More Funny Business.
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